The Intricacies of Time

Context: This is a blog post I finished writing on 30th December 2022. Reading it again after 2 years, has reminded me of the process and development younger me went through in order to be the person I am today. I'm posting this again in late 2024 as it gives a glimpse into how sansan came to be, and therefore I consider it to be the perfect opening blog post for my new website! Hope you enjoy, and that you can find some pieces of yourself within my writing, no matter where you currently are in your journey. 

Beginning of 2022.

With each moment passing, the person that I am, also passes. Looking back on who you used to be seems like such a different mental state, such a different way of thinking, such a different level of perception. It’s only when you look back that you realise how much you have changed. Change is usually so slow that you don’t notice it while you are living in the present moment. Maybe this is a bad analogy but we also don’t notice the Earth turning around its own axis until we zoom out and see that it actually is moving. So are you, you just don’t notice it.

Sometime later.

Time has a funny way of making itself noticeable. In 2022, I am sitting in Amsterdam, in an apartment that I couldn’t be more grateful for. The sun is shining and the smell of the air marks the beginning of spring. So this is what Amsterdam smells like. It honestly isn’t much different from other cities I’ve been to and that’s beautiful. No matter where you go, you can always find something familiar, something that brings you comfort in a newfound situation. Lately, it’s been hard to focus on the present moment as many changes have happened and there seems to be no direction. It messes with me for sure, but the sun and fresh air helps. This is where I can bloom, this is where I can make something come to life. I want to make use of this time.

Wanting to make use of this time. You might ask why and what that looks like. In many ways it’s related to experiencing new things and people. Fully embracing what we have right in this moment, even if it doesn’t look like what we are wishing for. Over the past few years, I have understood what it means to feel happy. It’s not an end goal, as in reaching happiness but it’s just an emotion we feel from time to time. Life is so uncertain, we get thrown around so much, the most important state to be in is to be, to just be without judging your present.

19.07.2022 

It’s a warm summer night, maybe even too warm for what could be considered a European summer night. But that’s a different kind of discussion, climate change, am I right. It’s completely dark in my room except for the moonlight peaking through my curtains. I’m sitting on the floor, right next to the little opening between my curtains that I left so I can smell the air of summer nights. You might wonder why my lights are out…well I only have one word for you. Mosquitos. And apparently light attracts them, whether that’s true or not, I don’t want to risk it. So here I am writing in the dark at 11 pm, next to an open window and my tiny almost useless fan, fully embracing the effects of a warm summer night. It’s been a while and a lot has changed. I’m not sure where this blogpost is going but I guess that’s true for more than just this little post. Life has definitely thrown me around a lot this year and I keep on returning to the same practices over and over. It has become my safe space, a place of retreat, of rest and recharge.

It’s hard for me to bring out the words right now. I’m not entirely sure what is happening in my life, mainly because there are so many things happening at the same time. I’m becoming. Time keeps passing and sometimes I feel like I’m keeping up, I’m learning, I’m growing, I’m following my path. But slowly, I’m starting to think differently about time. Why do I feel the need to keep up with time? What does that even mean? This is my timeline, so I define it myself.

I sometimes also wonder what has finally given me the courage to follow through with my creative aspirations. I would say it was an accumulation of many many things. Let's go back to the year of 2020, and it started with my 20 year old self (still a uni student) who always knew she wanted to do something creative but never ever fed that desire or payed any attention to that little voice. As the pandemic took its course and everyone had too much time on their hands, creativity was finally worth taking up space in my life. I experimented and thought maybe fashion design could be something, this could be my path. I’ve always liked fashion so why not try and make your own clothes. I did that for a while…but I fell into a hole. Not because of this new hobby I started but everything else surrounding the pandemic. A dark hopeless place where I felt completely trapped and as if everything was collapsing. I wasn’t sure what was happening to me. It was all a combination of being back home, feeling like your uni life has been sabotaged and your chance to find love was just completely out of question now. I was miserable, to say the least. I got so disgusted by myself and the way I felt that I just really didn’t want to feel these emotions any longer. I realised that this is not the way to live. I had to do something. And what was about to happen was in no way easier but 100% the start of a new era, if you will lol. I’ve always been a pretty sensitive and intuitive person, so all my life I was interested in the human existence and the way we function. I started reading self-help books because I couldn’t work up the courage to go to therapy, so trying to fix myself on my own with the help of different “non-human” tools sounded like the better option. I started doing the typical things that people always recommend doing if you want to get better mentally. Meditate, journal, good nutrition and moving your body. I did it for a while and honestly thought it’s not going to stick because it was definitely not my first run at these things. But what was different this time, was my deep disgust towards the way I felt before, something inside me telling me that I don’t ever want to feel this way ever again. So mediation and journaling stuck with me, not because they worked instantly and helped me instantly, but more because I thought to myself, if I don’t at least try to do these things, I will fall right back into my shithole. So that was an easy decision, frankly.

I kept on doing it. And I learned more about how we function as humans, how the feelings I felt are okay, even the despair and the phase I like to call shithole. Even that, is part of the human experience. That gave me a lot of comfort for the first time, accepting and making space for all the things I felt and still feel. Being non-judgemental towards them (something I’m still working on). But being at home made improvement a little bit harder…I really wanted to move out again, back to Rotterdam because I knew that moving out would help my mental health. I was privileged enough to do so and moved back to the Netherlands in August 2020. For the first time, I was living alone. That was the best thing that could ever have happened to me. With the combination of lockdowns and restrictions, it kind of felt like a non-stop reflective state to heal and grow. To learn more about myself and to dedicate my time to mediating and journaling. Uni had started again that year, I felt really positive about it and was excited to be back and to finish my last year of studies. It was honestly the best healing year I’ve ever had. I came back with a different mindset and attitude. Living alone felt like I was finally released from my shackles and I could finally just be me. Without shame, no longer hiding.

Autumn 2022

All of that happened 2 years ago, not where we are right now. It’s been a year now since my very first “breakthrough” in my healing process. A lot has happened since then and I have definitely reaped many benefits of all the effort I put into myself. Finally, I had the courage to pursue the things that speak to my heart and give me a sense of personal fulfilment. But at the same time, it’s been pretty tough because I have felt like I wasn’t growing. But looking back, I was just too impatient with myself and where my life is going. Good things take time.

1 month before 2023

Let’s keep going. I’m definitely not where I envision myself to be but this place here right now is pretty good. I like the journey I’m on. It feels like the start of building something sustainable, something worthwhile. It’s different than compared to my younger years when I was still in some form of educational system and occupied with all sorts of things laid out for you. As you leave this kind of world, you are very much confronted with the reality of things where all of that structure is gone from one moment to the other. It feels like such a sting to the heart, like something is being taken away from you, if not even a part of your identity that has been taken away. Because to a certain extent that’s also what is happening. The structure and organisation that you’ve known for all of your life has now evaporated into thin air. Part of who you are as a person, the way you define yourself, is now a story of the past. So yes, it feels so terrifying to lose all that. But just as the seasons come and go and winter puts nature to rest, it is the only way for new growth to happen. Creating the necessary space for something better. It is the time to find something that speaks to you, to be in a space that gives you the opportunity to look for something you identify with. Right now is the time to be sitting with all this uncertainty and to embrace it all. Nothing is set in stone so you have the chance to follow your gut, whatever desires, urges and ideas that are hidden deep in your mind. Make those clear to yourself, get a good picture of your current self. And then let them become real. Just like building a house, you need to have a clear understanding of the foundation before you start building on it. Even if it’s a rough foundation. You need to know who you currently are in order to build a better version of yourself.

End of the year

Art has been my remedy. Finally opening myself up to artistic creation felt like walking into a field of possibilities and love. A place where I believe that whatever desires I will have in life, I am worthy and good enough to pursue them and turn them into reality. It’s the letting go of limiting beliefs and whatever doesn’t align with the person you wish to become. Replacing your old beliefs with kindness, compassion, love and respect.

I’m happy that I’m in it now, in the process of it all. That I’m following my gut, my creative drive and rewiring myself into an embodiment of love. Let’s see what else time has in store.